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Dear Stupid, Silly, Horse-faced Woman Behind Me:

I offered to let you go in front of me.  Several times, in fact.  You declined.

Once you saw what I was up to, you had the option of changing lanes.  Instead, you chose to mutter under your breath, sigh heavily and roll your eyes.

Get over it…because the next time I see you, I’m going to dash to make sure that I get in front of you JUST TO PISS YOU OFF!

So to you and all of your obnoxious too-rich-to-worry-about-prices-buy-a-$175-hamburger-just-so-you-can-claim-to-literally-”shit gold” friends, let’s get a few things straight:

• Yes – I know that poor people and old ladies clip coupons.  You know who else clips them?  Stay-at-home moms who have husbands that work 60+ hours per week and don’t see their husband’s paycheck as anything but a gift that he is giving to his family.  A gift that she sees as her duty to stretch as far as she can.  That’s MY job.  We got by just fine before I started using coupons.  Now that I have freed up an average of $150-$400/month (the amount is rising each month) in grocery money, we are getting by muchmuchMUCH better.  I’ve already paid for us to go to DisneyWorld this year.  A few more months and we’ll be staying at the Grand Floridian…and paying in cash.
• No – I am not scamming the stores by getting all of this stuff for free.  I am merely taking advantage of advertised sales coupled with promotions by the manufacturer.  Your little crack about me wearing my Steelers t-shirt while stealing from the store was neither clever, nor original
• Yes, I am buying 5 diabetes monitors and getting them for free with coupon while getting an additional store credit.  And no, I don’t have diabetes (not that it is any of your business anyway).  But do you know who DOES have diabetes?  The people living in the retirement home down the street.  No – not the one with the $250,000 entrance fee.  The one the OTHER way down the street…you know – the one filled with people just one late Social Security check away from eating dog food?  After I leave this store, I’m taking the monitors straight to them…I do it every month…so bite me bitch!
• Have you ever been to this store before?  On a Saturday morning?  A Tuesday afternoon? Thursday night at 9:00pm?  Guess which one is the slowest time for the store and guess which time I have chosen to shop in order to inconvenience the fewest people (hint:  I’m typing this Thursday at 11:00pm)?  I know that I add an extra 3.67 minutes to my checkout time and I know that extra time can be unbearable when one is trying to get home to watch a marathon of “CSI” reruns.  I’d rather piss just one of you off than a whole bunch of you. 
• No – this isn’t a full-time job for me and yes I do have better things to do.  My full-time job is playing with my children and raising them to be good people.  This is just the “paperwork” that keeps The Company (my family) well “in the black”. 
• Ask the cashiers – they know me.  I don’t get in line until I am completely organized, don’t try to use expired coupons, make sure that the product I am buying EXACTLY matches the coupon and don’t try to use a third-party check from Nigeria to pay.  And if the register makes a mistake or shortchanges me my “bonus bucks”, I’m not going to argue with him.  I’m going to thank him and go straight to the customer service desk and get out of everyone’s way.  The same cannot be said for the “casual couponers” that I get behind all the time.  
• And as a matter of fact, I am using a gift card from the store, which requires fewer steps to pay than that Visa you have clutched in your hand.
• I don’t really care if the clerk hates coupons.  He is getting paid to move an item over a screen until the register goes BEE.  I’m even bagging my own groceries, even though most people will make him do it.  Why should he care if he is scanning a coupon or a pack of Pampers?  Can I tell you how many supermarket cashiers have exclaimed “WOW!” as they handed me 6 bags of groceries and I handed them $5?
• And finally, I know that you only eat organic, free-range, grass-fed beef that is lovingly led to slaughter to the sound of Bach, as well as hydroponically grown vegetables (don’t want to let our food touch that dirty icky dirt!) and are convinced that I am only feeding my family the highly processed crap for which coupons are readily available.  You know what is also available?  Coupons for the same stuff you like….and I get that stuff at less than half of what you pay.  I’ve got a pantry full of Cascadian Farms, Amy’s Organic and Kashi products that I paid literally next to nothing for.  You continue to pay full-price.  Who’s the fuckwad now?

In conclusion:  Get over it.  I’m not going to go back to paying full retail just because you have a bug up your ass about an extra 200 seconds.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood Coupon Queen

(I feel much better now)

I’ve had that song running through my head ever since I first told the story of JeepBitch and BMWBitch (and if you only know the Guns N’ Roses version, then you are either too young to be reading blogs or have horrible taste in music!)

and I know that I promised an update….ummm…10 days ago?…so here it is (forgive the lateness of this post, but I hope that both this post and the reason it was late – I’ve got a project a’brewin’ – will be worth it)

WARNING:  this is one long-ass post!

So do you want to know what is really not a good idea?  Being a serious bitch (that would be JeepBitch) to a serious bitch (that would be me) with PMS (me again).  And that is exactly what happened last week.

Backstory.  Add to this a recent Home Owners Association Newsletter asking residents with children playing in the streets to be mindful of cars and to not block the streets (some people literally block the street and refuse to move…but not us)

Scene:  in front of BestFriendMommy’s house.  JeepBitch comes tearing down the street and as usual, we see her coming and have the kids out of the way in plenty of time.  JeepBitch stops her car, addressing BestFriendMommy:

JeepBitch:  Didn’t you see the recent letter telling you to keep your fucking kids out of the street

BestFriendMommy: ummmm (and here is a good time to mention that BFM is German and has only lived in this country for 3 years and isn’t always the quickest with “comebacks” in English.  I think that is why she is the recipient of most of JeepBitch’s wrath)

Me (stepping forward): ok – what the fuck is your problem? (I can be considerably less polite than PerfectCatholicMommy….FYI – when we got the kids out of her way, I sent them to BFM’s back yard swing set because I knew I was about to lose it)

JeepBitch:  you need to keep your kids out of the street!  I live on this street and I am tired of having to wait for your brats to get out of my way

Me:  Look Bitch – I’ve lived here for 12 years and you do not live on this street.  you live in the townhomes and you know damn well that you aren’t supposed to use this street as a cut-through.  You are supposed to use OtherStreet!

JeepBitch: why can’t you just keep your stupid fucking kids in the back yard?

Me:  Because we can’t and we won’t.  They want to play with chalk and ride their bikes and we are going to let them do it in the only place that makes sense – the street in an area wher ewe can safely move them in time.  People who actually LIVE on this street are ok with it and their kids are usually right here with us.  You are just some bitter bitch who wants to make herself feel better by yelling at the foreigner (pointing to BFM).  Are you really that insecure or do you just need to get laid THAT badly?  Now Good Day!

JeepBitch (screws up her face, moves her car forward, stops, moves forward, stops, then leans out the window):  YOU…

Me:  I SAID GOOD DAY SIR! (snaps if you can name that movie!)

So that night, I finally email the HOA about JeepBitch (I knew that others had emailed, I just never got around to it).  Three days, no response.

In the midst of all this, the VP of the HOA (Let’s call her HOAMommy) also sends her son to Prince #2′s pre-school.  I never wanted “HOA business” to interfere with our son’s friendship (and aside from my crumbling curb, there was never a reason for it to anyway), but I saw her the following Monday and I was still fuming.

Turns out HOAMommy lives on the other street that is often used as a cut-though to the townhomes, and JeepBitch is also quite active on their street as well.

Bottom line?  Because I am obsessive and can seriously hold a grudge, I went looking for JeepBitch’s car in the townhomes, found it and marked the address.  I provided the address to the HOA and they sent her a “cease and desist” letter, telling her that any future complaints would be turned over to the State Police (through a quirk in the zoning, the only police with authority in our neighborhood are Staties – no “local yokels” for us!).  They also told her that they would be encouraging residents on OurStreet and OtherStreet to videotape (is that the right word?  I just got my first new camcorder in 12 years, so I am not up on the lingo) any further incidents, including any incidents of speeding, so that those videos could be turned over as evidence.

Want to know what clinched the deal with the HOA was?

HOAMommy got a dog three weeks ago.  And apparently, JeepBitch likes to yell at dog-walkers just as much as she likes to yell at children.

Although I am still considering taking up a collection to get JeepBitch laid….

It seems a bandit rode through our neighborhood last night, defiling all of our homes.  This person must be found, stopped and hung by his/her entrails.  At least 6 houses on our street, including my own, were “hit”.

Spray paint?  That would have been preferable

Stolen cars?  I only wish!

Toilet Paper attacks? This person is much more diabolical than that!

It was this (please, this photo is not for the squeamish):

I know – it’s horrible.  Somebody went through and deposited their trash in other people’s cans next to their homes (and I don’t care if they are CVS bags – it wasn’t me!)

And while everyone is wringing their hands and wondering what can be done to stop such further “incidents”, I opened one of the bags….and I know who the offender is.

And I’m not telling.